If you've been following The Pink House for any length of time, it's likely you'll have encountered my pink nemesis: the Pink House Husband (AKA PHH - see above).
PHH and I have known each other since university, although we didn't get together until three years after graduating. This is despite PHH's attempt to chat me up in the college bar on my very first day, an incident of which I have no recollection (possibly due to the seventh vodka and Diet Coke), although I'm told I swiftly rebuked his advances. This information didn't surprise me, because at the time my idea of the perfect man was a floppy-fringed old Etonian with massive biceps and an even bigger ego; PHH's down-to-earth, ginger haired, Scottish state school ways would have passed under my hugely skewed radar. About six years and eight posh boys later, PHH and I held our first mating ritual on top of a mountain in the Lake District, surrounded by 28 of our closest friends and assisted by two cans of squirty cream and a tent. The rest, as they say, is Pink Houstory.
Although I reference PHH fairly frequently in my tales of winning the interior war while renovating our family home, the fact remains that he remains, by his own request, something of an enigma on The Pink House blog and Instagram (his participation in this styling challenge notwithstanding). And so, as I am largely prohibited from pointing a camera or recording device in his general direction*, I have been reduced to furtively scribbling down his more unusual utterances, in my efforts to ensure you understand what I'm up against.
The title of this blog post references the hugely popular 'Men Overheard' page at the back of more! magazine, the brilliantly funny (and genuinely useful) young women's mag I used to work for, which closed in 2013 (RIP) but was edited when I joined the publication in 2008 by Lisa Smosarski, who now heads up the amazing Stylist magazine.
The 'Men Overheard' franchise consisted of the hilarious things our teenage and twenty-something readers heard men say on a variety of subjects, which they wrote down verbatim and sent into the features desk (E.g. Girlfriend: "How long has Claire been pregnant?" Boyfriend: "About a year, I think"). This post pays homage to that page, while providing the perfect platform for some of PHH's recent opinions on a variety of subjects he is ill equipped to opine on. And, if you like it, there are plenty more where these came from [wicked devil face emoji]. Are you sitting comfortably? Then he'll begin...
*the above picture was taken by professional photographer Gavin Smith as part of a feature for The Sunday Times - even PHH couldn't resist this photocall
"It's like we got a really nice big sofa and then GOT RID OF HALF OF IT with all these bloody cushions"
"As long as it's comfy, not pink and free, I'm not completely against it"
On lighting scented candles...
"Unless there's been a bathroom incident there's really NO NEED"
On passive houses...
"Passive houses have a fundamental flaw: they're airtight boxes that people poo into"
On the ironmonger...
"I like the ironmonger. You can go and look at all the things. There's a good one by the Nairns oatcake factory"
On conversing with his wife...
Me: "Come on, have a conversation with me. I’m good at having conversations."
PHH: "No. You mostly want to talk about buying things that are pink."
Me: (indignantly) "No I don’t! They’re mostly brass!"
On making tea...
"You put a tiny dash of cold water on the teabag. It makes better tea according to the grannies"
In response to me telling him about how our bed should look...
"The only other time I get this feeling is when I’m buying a flight on Ryanair; I constantly have to be on my guard for loopholes and where the con is happening"
On my lady friends
Me: "So I’ve invited my lovely sexy glamorous lady friends who live round the corner to come for tea tomorrow"
Me: "You don’t seem very excited at the prospect"
PHH: "I’m reading about Brexit"
On live bacteria...
Me (looking at packet of live bacteria drink powder): this is some weird shit
PHH: that’s how they make it
On where things should live...
Me: "Why did you hide the glitter cactus in the cupboard? I put it on the cabinet for a reason."
PHH: "I didn’t hide it in the cupboard. I PUT it in the cupboard."
Me: "Where I couldn’t find it."
PHH: "It’s not my fault you didn’t think to look in the cupboard. Anyway I was only making space for the candelabra. IT lives on top of the cabinet. That’s its home."
"That’s a pretty house. It’s a nice red door. [Sighs] I’d like a red door..."
Do you have a husband (or partner or girlfriend or housemate or other decor wrecker) who likes to erroneously expostulate on the subject of interior design? I'd love to hear - and maybe share - what they have to say. Please email me on firstname.lastname@example.org with their best quotes, marking the email 'Homewreckers Overheard".